Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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