Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize