There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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