He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize