I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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