If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
