I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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