The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The dick lei will go down in squad history
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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