She is in my trunk
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
