i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
