Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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