Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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