highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My liver just had a heart attack.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
