There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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