just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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