Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
