Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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