Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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