Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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