Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
