I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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