Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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