From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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