omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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