Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize