I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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