so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
