God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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