I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize