I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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