PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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