I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
