I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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