She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
