She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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