There was a lot of him and a little penis
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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