my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
