11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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