Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
