4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
