final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
