high people should be assigned attendants
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So many bounce houses so little time
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
