i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
