She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
