my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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