Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
