Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
