So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
