he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
