I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
