one might say we're banned from that church
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
