idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
