so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
