am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
