that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
