the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
