saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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