That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
