The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
