i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize