apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Randomize
