Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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