I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
